Evaluating the Health of a Relationship

Advanced Vocabulary:

1. Autonomy – Independence or freedom, as of the will or one's actions.

2. Empathy – The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

3. Retribution – Punishment inflicted on someone as vengeance for a wrong or criminal act.

4. Resilience – The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

5. Attuned – To be aware of or responsive to something.

6. Vulnerability – The quality of being open to emotional harm or being emotionally exposed.

7. Boundaries – Limits that a person sets regarding acceptable behavior from others.

8. Reciprocity – The practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit.

9. Contempt – The feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration or worthless.

10. Resentment – Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

11. Conflict Resolution – The process of resolving a dispute or a conflict.

12. Alignment – Arrangement in a straight line, or in correct or appropriate relative positions.

13. Mutuality – The sharing of a feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties.

14. Attentiveness – The trait of being observant and considerate, paying close attention.

15. Emotional Availability – The ability to be emotionally open and responsive to another person's needs.

16. Grudge – A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

17. Harboring – To keep (a thought or feeling, typically a negative one) in one’s mind.

18. Reflective – Relating to deep thought; thoughtful and pensive.

Idioms:

1. Bite the bullet – To endure something unpleasant or uncomfortable courageously.

   • "Sometimes in relationships, you need to bite the bullet and have difficult conversations."

2. Sweep it under the rug – To ignore or avoid dealing with a problem.

   • "Ignoring relationship issues and sweeping them under the rug can lead to resentment over time."

3. The ball is in your court – It's your responsibility to take the next action.

   • "After discussing our boundaries, the ball is in your court to make changes."

4. Walk on eggshells – To be overly cautious to avoid upsetting someone.

   • "If you feel like you're walking on eggshells around your partner, it's a red flag."

5. Give and take – The mutual exchange of help, compromise, or concessions in a relationship.

   • "Healthy relationships involve a lot of give and take between partners."

6. Go the extra mile – To make more effort than expected to achieve something.

   • "In thriving relationships, partners often go the extra mile to support each other."

7. A bitter pill to swallow – An unpleasant truth or fact that is difficult to accept.

   • "Realizing that your partner isn't emotionally available can be a bitter pill to swallow."

8. Hit the nail on the head – To accurately identify or solve a problem.

   • "When you said we need better communication, you hit the nail on the head."

9. Keep someone at arm's length – To avoid getting too close or involved with someone.

   • "If one partner keeps the other at arm’s length emotionally, it can create distance."

10. Cut to the chase – To get to the point without wasting time.

    • "When discussing issues in a relationship, it's helpful to cut to the chase and be direct."

When we think about assessing the health of a relationship, we often focus on red flags, or signs that indicate things might not be working well. However, it’s equally important to recognize the green flags—positive indicators that show a relationship is healthy, mutually supportive, and primed for growth. Experts like Nicole LePera and other leading relationship psychologists highlight these green flags as markers of long-term potential and emotional well-being.

In this blog, we’ll dive into key green flags to look for in a relationship, questions to help you evaluate your partnership, and how to reflect on your own desires and needs.

1. Emotional Safety and Vulnerability

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust and emotional safety. Can you be yourself around your partner? Do you feel safe expressing your feelings, knowing you won't be judged or dismissed?

Questions to Ask:

• Do I feel safe sharing my deepest thoughts and vulnerabilities with this person?

• Can we discuss conflicts openly and respectfully without fear of retribution or rejection?

• Do I feel heard and valued when I express my emotions?

Green Flag: Both partners create a space where vulnerability is met with empathy and support, not criticism.

2. Respect for Boundaries and Autonomy

Nicole LePera emphasizes the importance of respecting boundaries in a relationship. Healthy couples understand that while they share a connection, they are still individuals with their own needs, interests, and personal space.

Questions to Ask:

• Does my partner respect my personal space, hobbies, and independence?

• Are we both comfortable expressing our needs without feeling guilty or selfish?

• How do we navigate boundaries around time, emotional energy, and commitments?

Green Flag: Each person maintains a healthy sense of self within the relationship, and boundaries are respected and communicated clearly.

3. Shared Values and Long-term Goals

While differences can add richness to a relationship, aligning on core values and long-term goals is crucial. Psychologists agree that having similar visions for the future helps couples stay connected over time.

Questions to Ask:

• Do we share similar values around family, career, lifestyle, and financial priorities?

• Are we moving in the same direction when it comes to long-term goals?

• Am I excited about the possibility of building a life together, or do I feel uncertain about the future?

Green Flag: Both partners are on the same page when it comes to important life decisions, even if they don’t agree on everything.

4. Healthy Communication Patterns

The ability to communicate effectively is a hallmark of healthy relationships. According to relationship psychologist John Gottman, couples who communicate with kindness, respect, and clarity are more likely to thrive.

Questions to Ask:

• How do we handle disagreements? Are we able to talk through challenges without resorting to blame or contempt?

• Do I feel understood when I express my thoughts, or do we often misinterpret each other?

• Is our communication rooted in patience, respect, and honesty?

Green Flag: Both partners communicate in a way that fosters understanding, even in difficult moments. There’s an active effort to listen and be heard.

5. Mutual Support and Encouragement

In a healthy relationship, both partners actively support each other’s growth—whether it’s personal, professional, or emotional. Nicole LePera emphasizes that in thriving relationships, partners are cheerleaders for each other’s ambitions.

Questions to Ask:

• Does my partner encourage me to pursue my goals and support me in my endeavors?

• Do we celebrate each other’s successes, and are we there for each other during setbacks?

• Do we prioritize each other’s well-being and show up for one another consistently?

Green Flag: Your partner wants you to succeed and flourish, even if it means growing beyond the relationship’s comfort zone.

6. Emotional Availability and Responsiveness

Psychologists like Esther Perel highlight the importance of emotional availability in a relationship. A healthy partner is emotionally present, and they respond to your needs with care and attentiveness.

Questions to Ask:

• Is my partner emotionally available and willing to engage in meaningful conversations?

• How does my partner respond when I’m going through a tough time? Are they supportive or dismissive?

• Are we both willing to be present with each other’s feelings and experiences, even when it’s uncomfortable?

Green Flag: Both partners are emotionally attuned and prioritize being present for one another, creating a sense of intimacy and connection.

7. Conflict Resolution Skills

No relationship is without conflict, but what matters is how conflict is handled. Couples who use disagreements as opportunities to grow rather than as battlegrounds for winning or losing demonstrate emotional maturity.

Questions to Ask:

• How do we resolve conflicts? Do we approach them with the intention of understanding each other, or does it become a blame game?

• Can we move past conflicts without holding grudges or harboring resentment?

• Do we view challenges as opportunities to strengthen our relationship?

Green Flag: Conflict is resolved constructively, with a focus on understanding and growth rather than winning or being right.

8. Do I Really Want to Be a Couple?

This is one of the most critical questions we can ask ourselves. Sometimes we stay in relationships out of habit or fear of being alone, but it’s important to reflect on whether the relationship is something you actively want to nurture and build.

Questions to Ask:

• Do I genuinely enjoy being in this relationship, or do I feel like I’m just going through the motions?

• Am I excited to grow with this person and invest in our future together?

• If I could choose all over again, would I still want to be with this person?

Green Flag: You feel joy and enthusiasm about building a life with this person and view the relationship as something that adds value to your life.

Evaluating the health of a relationship involves asking meaningful questions about how you and your partner communicate, respect boundaries, and support each other’s growth. Green flags, as emphasized by Nicole LePera and other relationship psychologists, are indicators of a thriving partnership where both individuals feel safe, valued, and connected.

When you ask yourself questions like, “Do I really want to be a couple?” and “Do I want to build a relationship with this person?”, you are giving yourself the opportunity to reflect deeply on your desires and needs. A healthy relationship is one where both partners are committed to growth—individually and together—and can navigate challenges with respect and empathy.

If your answers to these questions align with the green flags, you are likely in a relationship that has the potential to flourish over time. Keep fostering these positive traits, and continue to evaluate and nurture your bond as you grow together.

Discussion Questions:

1. Emotional Safety: What steps can we take to ensure both partners feel emotionally safe in a relationship? How does emotional safety impact long-term partnership success?

2. Respect for Boundaries: How do you define healthy boundaries in a relationship? What are the consequences when these boundaries are not respected?

3. Shared Values: How important is it for couples to have aligned values and long-term goals? Can relationships thrive if partners’ values differ?

4. Healthy Communication: What are the signs of good communication in a relationship? How can couples improve their communication, especially during disagreements?

5. Mutual Support: In what ways can partners provide emotional and professional support for each other? What does mutual encouragement look like in everyday life?

6. Conflict Resolution: What are some effective strategies for resolving conflicts in a relationship? How do unresolved conflicts affect relationship health?

7. Self-Reflection: How can reflecting on personal needs and desires influence the way we evaluate our relationships? What are the signs that a relationship is no longer fulfilling?

8. Emotional Availability: How can couples ensure that both partners remain emotionally available to each other over time? What are the risks of emotional unavailability?