Mornings can be stressful for many families. Parents rush to wake up their kids, ensure they’re getting dressed, packed, and out the door, while kids (especially teens) can often be reluctant to get out of bed, groggy and resistant to the demands of the day. But why does this daily ritual create so much tension, and how can we bridge the gap between parents and children in a way that fosters healthy routines, reduces stress, and maintains good mental health?
Why Are Parents Stressed in the Morning?
As a parent, mornings feel like a pressure cooker. You’ve made commitments to your child, or some other source, to ensure they get to school on time, are prepared, and are starting their day in the best possible way. If you're a working parent, there's also the added pressure of needing to get yourself ready for work and maintain a sense of calm while juggling multiple responsibilities.
As Jordan Peterson often discusses, “The problem is not that life is hard, but that we are not trained to deal with it.” Parents feel the weight of the day ahead — the tasks that need to be done, the potential for things to go wrong, and the challenge of getting their children to meet expectations. This stress can accumulate over time, especially if parents feel they are doing all the work to create structure, while their children seem to be resisting it.
Why Are Children Not Stressed?
Children, on the other hand, especially younger kids, might not experience the same sense of urgency. Caroline Myss, in her work on energy medicine, suggests that children are naturally more attuned to their emotions and needs in the present moment, and less concerned with future consequences. In the morning, they may feel disconnected from the pressures that their parents face. The focus is on getting out of bed, maybe feeling a little resistance, but there isn't the same mental baggage that comes with adult responsibilities.
Teenagers, however, can experience stress of their own. They might not communicate it the same way, but as Dr. Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist) notes, the teenage brain is still in development, particularly in areas related to emotional regulation and decision-making. The stress teens face may be internalized as anxiety or reluctance to engage with the routine.
What Can We Do About It? Honoring Your Commitment to the Routine
One way parents can help manage morning stress is by communicating with their kids in a clear, calm, and honest manner. Marshall Rosenberg's work on nonviolent communication stresses the importance of honesty and compassion in conversations. Instead of yelling or getting frustrated, parents can say something like:
“Listen, I know mornings are tough, but I’ve made a commitment to make sure you get to school on time. This is something we’ve agreed on, and I’m here to support you in sticking to it. I want you to be successful, and this is part of the process.” This approach emphasizes that the parent’s role is to provide structure and support, not to control or criticize. By framing it as an agreement, parents and kids can begin to see it as a shared goal, rather than a battle of wills. Teens especially will appreciate the respect for their autonomy, even if they still don’t like getting out of bed!
Routines: Why Are They Stressful, and Are They Healthy?
Routines often become a source of stress because they create an underlying expectation of perfection. Harriet Lerner talks about how our society has created a culture of "perfectionism" where routines must be followed to the letter, and any deviation can feel like failure. For many parents, there is a constant underlying fear that if they let the routine slip once, it will spiral out of control.
Routines can also provide structure and security. Plate, a concept from Buddhist psychology, teaches that the balancing of structure and flexibility is key to mental peace. A flexible routine, that allows space for minor deviations without the need for rigid perfection, is healthy. Rather than focusing on making mornings “perfect,” it might be more helpful to aim for a morning routine that is consistent but adaptable to the needs of each family member~ therein being perfect, and exactly what your family needs this morning.
When routines are too rigid, it can also leave everyone feeling resentful. A healthy routine isn’t about control, but about creating a rhythm that works for everyone. For example, if you see that your teen is feeling overwhelmed and rushed in the morning, maybe it's time to talk about adjusting the evening routine or setting a consistent time to wake up to avoid stress.
The Balance: Staying Healthy, Stress-Free, and Meeting Joint Goals
To find the balance between a routine and personal well-being, it's crucial to remember that Jordan Peterson’s advice about personal responsibility applies not just to adults but to kids too. Kids, and particularly teens, need to learn that their actions have consequences, but it’s the responsibility of the parent to teach these lessons in a calm, consistent way.
Here are a few strategies to keep the morning routine both healthy and stress-free:
Set Clear Expectations: Start each day with a clear understanding of the goals. "We’re all getting up to make sure you’re ready for school on time" rather than "Get up, or else!" This helps remove the adversarial tone and makes the process more of a shared responsibility.
Allow Room for Flexibility: Routine is important, but flexibility is key. If you see your child is struggling, rather than rigidly enforcing every minute of the routine, ask questions: “What can I do to make mornings easier for you?” or “What’s the hardest part of your morning?” This invites collaboration, rather than just enforcement.
Model Calmness: Your own stress will inevitably influence your child’s stress. Caroline Myss talks about how energy is contagious, and this includes the energy we bring into our homes. Parents can model calmness by preparing for the morning the night before — packing bags, setting out clothes, and making breakfast or lunch in advance. By planning ahead, mornings feel less rushed and chaotic.
Promote Self-Responsibility: One key developmental lesson for children and teens is the value of independence. The Holistic Psychologist reminds us that emotional independence is key to well-being. Encourage your child to take ownership of their morning routine: setting an alarm, getting themselves up, or packing their bag. This reduces dependency and teaches them valuable life skills.
Use Positive Reinforcement: Rather than focusing on what went wrong, highlight what went right. “I’m really proud of how quickly you got dressed today!” This not only boosts their self-esteem but also creates positive associations with the morning routine.
Final Thoughts: Honor the Process, Not Just the Result
In the end, the goal isn’t just getting your child to school on time — it's about teaching them the value of structure, responsibility, and managing stress in a healthy way. Harriet Lerner reminds us that while routines can bring stability, it's important not to make them a source of conflict or anxiety. Finding the balance between structure and flexibility, calmness and urgency, commitment and compassion, is the key to a peaceful morning that benefits everyone.
By staying calm, communicating clearly, and allowing room for flexibility, parents and kids can work together to create routines that support everyone's mental health and shared goals.
Stay healthy, stress-free, and keep working together towards the bigger picture with intention and care.
Reflection for Journaling Questions:
Here are 5 introspective journaling questions each for parents and students to complement the ideas shared:
For Parents:
What are the biggest sources of stress during my mornings, and how can I shift my mindset or actions to reduce them?
How do I currently communicate with my children during stressful moments, and how might I improve this communication?
What part of our morning routine am I most proud of, and what does that say about my values as a parent?
In what ways can I model calmness and flexibility in our family routine?
What would an ideal morning look and feel like for my family, and what small step could I take to move toward that vision?
For Students:
What is the hardest part of my morning routine, and why does it feel challenging for me?
How do I feel when mornings go smoothly, and what helps create that feeling?
What responsibilities in my morning routine could I take more ownership of to make things easier for my family?
What small change could I make tonight to set myself up for a better morning tomorrow?
If I could describe my ideal morning, what would it look like, and how can I help make that a reality?
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